Happy Wednesday! This post is about my personal battle with depression and an eating disorder – from how it started to where I am now, plus how it changed my life.
Back in the deep dark days of my life, I tried to hide everything I was struggling with. Growing up, I was always bubbly, out-going, and “happy.” I would attempt to put on a show for everyone around me. I did everything in my power to stuff down the sadness.
Eventually, it became impossible to hide. My depression grew deeply inside of me that it lead to the development of an eating disorder. I thought no one could notice my sadness and I was doing a great job at hiding it. I was wrong! I allowed my depression to consume me to the point where it slowly weathered away every part of me.
How did it start?
Good question. After receiving professional help, I figured out how my depression started. It all started with a little seed. It got planted in my head at a young age. I am almost 98.5% positive we all get the seed.
The seed is our insecurities, comparisons, self-doubt, broken parts, traumas, fears, anxiety, and depression.
Since many us could get this seed, it is important to recognize that it grows based on how we water it. From my appearance to the way I spoke, I used to be filled with many insecurities. I would compare everything to everyone. Am I smarter? Am I prettier? Am I just as kind? Do people like me? When I failed at something, it was like a knife in my stomach. I always wanted to succeed in everything. I would get jealous of anyone close to me, and avoid celebrating their victories. I would doubt myself in all aspects of my life. One of the biggest things I did to water the “seed” was questioning if I was good enough. Was I a good enough athlete? Was I a good enough friend, daughter, sister? Will I ever be good enough for anyone?
Eventually, I felt hopeless and wondered what is the point to any of this. I was hospitalized for my depression. Once I got out, my eating disorder took a life of its’ own. Maybe my eating disorder grew because I thought I had no control or was looking for another solution to hide everything. I think I had so much sadness that the only way I expressed it was through hurting myself.
Where I am now
If you spoke me 6 years ago, I would never expect to be where I am now. During my time in treatment for my eating disorder, I experienced a shift in perspective.
Going to treatment felt like I was losing my life completely. I was far away from everyone and everything. During this time period, I thought the worst things about life. When we feel the worst pain, we really are about to experience the best moments.
Once I slowly started to experience this shift, life started to come back inside me. The shift was not like a light switch. One day at a time you start to feel better.
One day, I just woke up and enjoyed sitting in the sun. Next day, I started to appreciate being able hold onto book. Slowly, I started to feel more enjoyment in each day. Food that I was afraid to eat suddenly tasted delicious. Feelings I never spoke about, I started to express. Laughing was more frequent. Smiling became easier. My voice got louder and my sight got brighter. I was finding joy in each small moment.
And that was where everything changed.
There are so many things to be angry and sad about. There a million things to be happy about. Now, I am not saying don’t feel those “negative” emotions but make sure you feel both. When you are sad be sad so you can understand happiness. If we do not experience the negative emotions how are we supposed to know the positive ones.
Once you can feel each emotion… you can enjoy each moment.
We can enjoy….
the smell of breakfast on a Sunday,
dinner with our family,
nights out with our friends,
your dog excited to see come home,
hot coffee,
being able to wake up,
seeing someone smile,
walks on the beach,
early morning hikes,
hugs,
laughing,
and the ability to live.
Maybe that is the point. To feel all the negative emotions so you can understand the positive ones. To struggle and experience pain, so you can understand why you need to be here. To continue to go through what you struggling with so you can grow.
Maybe that seed many of us water is really just at the beginning stages of becoming a flower. Just like flowers take time to grow, healing takes time to heal.
My advice to anyone who is struggling with a mental illness is to feel all your emotions and try to enjoy the small moments. Life is precious and you need to embrace EVERY MOMENT. Love with all your heart. Be grateful for the good and bad. Get rid of the people or things that don’t bring value into your life. Tell your parents you love them. Hangout with your siblings, for they know your past and will stay by your side in the future. Chase your dreams. Be thankful for the people who broke. Love yourself for all your imperfections because your imperfections make you perfect. It’s okay to seek professional help. Reach out for support. Lastly, don’t give up because there is beauty in living.
Comments