I was scrolling through my Instagram, which is my one of usual nighttime routines, and noticed myself developing self-critical and insecure thoughts.
I was becoming anxious as I scrolled through my social media accounts. From Tik-Tok to Instagram to Facebook I was comparing myself and my life towards what I was seeing online. "I Should be doing this with my life.""How come I don't have that yet." All these negative thoughts rushed through my head.
Then it hit me. I am comparing again. I am 100% judging myself for not having similar lifestyle or habits as the individuals I see on me feed.
Social Media has become a huge influence in our society which often triggers the comparison trap. We see people on fancy vacations or with particular lifestyles that we desire, which influences negative self-talk. We tells ourselves we are not going to succeed in life because we don’t have what they have. We view what we see online as “they look happy, pretty, and healthy, so I guess I need to do what they are doing.” The Comparison trap is comparing ourselves to the life of others. This ultimately leads to a louder self-critic.
Social comparison Theory
The self-comparison we engage in while scrolling through social media can actually be explain through the social comparison theory. The desire to learn about one self’s through comparison is actually a universal human characteristic. This particular behavior is thought to have come from an evolutionary need to measure one’s strength and worth. Neuroscience research states that the brain’s reward center will light up not only when a person performs well but also when they perform better than other people. The 24/7 access to social media actually heightens it because we have more opportunities to compare ourselves. Social media gives us more opportunities to compare ourselves because we aren’t just comparing ourselves to a small amount of people but actually a wider span of people. People we may never met! Which is why it is important to practice healthy skills to manage our negative self-talk.
When we scroll through social media and we see that we have more followers or likes than someone else the reward center in our brain lights up. If we begin to view that our life in comparison to the people we see online as worse, we experience an increase in negative thoughts. Social media allows constant comparison. When there is constant comparison it leads to negative feelings such as in adequacy, guilt, dissatisfaction and symptoms of mental illness like depression/anxiety. Research even suggests that people who constantly compare themselves towards others have a lower self-esteem, are more self-conscious, and an increase in depressive symptoms. Think about it… growing up in a society of constant access to opportunities to compare ourselves, influences insecurities and negative perceptions of ourselves.
I bring this up not to say that social media is bad but to help you challenge your negative thoughts and self-comparisons that could come when scrolling on social media. Social media is a part of our society and it is important to learn skills to manage your inner critic while using it!
Here are some skills to practice when you notice yourself falling into the comparison trap.
1. Disengage: Disengage from the environments or things that don’t empower you to be your true self. Take a time out from social media or hanging out around environments that reinforce insecure/negative feelings. It's okay to take a time out from things that don’t serve us. When we begin to have intense comparison thoughts, that means a part of us needs to reset and find alignment again with our values.
2. Contentment: Contentment means a state of satisfaction. It is learning to be okay with where you are in your journey. Sometimes we are so focused on a particular goal or being where someone else is at that we forget about the present moment. Being content does not mean you are settling. Learning to build contentment in our lives helps us develop a better relationship with ourselves and the people around us because we are actively participating in our lives. Yes, we may want that relationship, house, or dream job but if we spend time focusing on the end goal we miss out on the journey. Comparisons take us away from our present lives and bring us into the head space of “I wish I had that,” or If only…”
3. Argue against your inner critic, and truly intend to win: Write down the negative thoughts your inner critic tells you when you are comparing yourself. Once you wrote down your inner critic thoughts, challenge them by writing statements back. Talk back to that voice. Somethings you can say are, “You are feeling insecure but that does not mean you are not worthy” or “We all are difficult with unique qualities and I too have positive things in myself /life.” Continue to challenge that voice until the inner critic becomes silenced. Argue against that voice because that voice is lying to you 100% of the time.
4. Releasing expectations of who you are supposed to be. One thing that I had to learn is to get rid of expectations. The expectations we place on ourselves have been programmed in our brains from a young age. Family core values, cultural values, religious values, and even gender roles are taught to us at a young age. The messages around us tell us that there are standards or characteristic we have to obtain in order to be seen as happy and healthy. The comparison trap reinforces those expectations. Which is why we need to work on forgetting those unrealistic expectations! If you are so focused on trying to maintain these expectations, you will never be able to recognize the achievements you have made. You will be busy focusing on the things you don’t have rather than the things you do have. When we release the expectations of who we are supposed to be we allow ourselves to grow into the person we are meant to be.
