She had these blue eyes. Not just any blue eyes, but they were the color blue that looks like crystals. Her first question was, “Why do you think you are here?” I remember being annoyed because she obviously knew why. I was filled with so much anger, fear, anxiety, and sadness that I said nothing. Then she spoke again and told me I am here because I am resilient. “What on earth was she talking about?” Resilient would not be the word to describe me.
After sitting in that room for 45 minutes, all I got out of my first session was … my therapist had blue eyes and there is a picture of a wolf in her office. When she opened the door to let me out, she said to me, “It will take time. Just try to go with the process.”
Two years ago I went to treatment. The moment I landed in Arizona, I felt a sense of emptiness and relief. I was angry and terrified to be going to treatment. Deep down I felt relieved to finally get out of this depressive life I was stuck in. This was the first moment, my “healthy-self” came out.
In eating disorder treatment, many professionals tell clients to imagine two voices in your head. One voice is your eating disorder-self (ED) and the other is your healthy-self (YOU). It sounds weird… took me awhile to get used to. They never tell you to get rid of your eating disorder-self but rather strengthen your healthy-self. You don’t have to have an eating disorder to have these “voices.”
The truth is … that we all have these two voices. You can really call it whatever you want. My “ED” was the worst part of me. It was the side of me that was depressed, angry, jealous, insecure, rude and toxic. My healthy-self was everything I wanted to be, the real me.
How do you Strengthen your healthy-self?
It takes time to strengthen that version of you. Like my therapist said in treatment, you kind of have to “go with the process.”
What is the process?
The process is called life. It is different for everyone. We all have our demons. We all have experience something that shaped who we are. The process is not about getting rid of that side of you but growing the good parts of you.
Healing comes in waves, so sometimes your “ED” voice will be louder. Those are probably your bad days. In the moments when our “ED” voice is loud, that is when you strengthen your healthy-self. How you choose to cope with negative situations or feelings, determines what side you strengthen.
I really cannot give you a blueprint on how to strengthen your healthy-self. That is something you have you figure out on your own. You may need go to therapy. You may need to read more books or practice self-care. You may even need to go across the country to treatment. What I do know is that you have to go through the process called life.
After being out of treatment for two years, I still have to work on my healthy-self. Which is why I still go to therapy. There is nothing wrong with that. I just want to be the healthiest version of myself.
My last session with my therapist during treatment, she said I was resilient. That time I believed it because my healthy-self…believed it.
Two years recovered and still enjoying this process called life.
Thank you Dad, Mom, Joe, Nick, Ann and Marcy for sending me to treatment. Thank you to my amazing friends for helping me through all of life's ups and downs.
To anyone struggling with an eating disorder go to www.nationaleatingdisorders.org to find resources on treatment.
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