It’s not what you say out of your mouth that determines your life, it’s what you whisper to yourself that has the most power.
What are the things you say to yourself when you’re having a bad day? Are you someone who is negative? Do you point out your flaws? Did you know the things you say to yourself effect how you view the world and yourself?
Self-talk is our natural way of responding to our experiences and often can take form of an internal critic that is negative and pessimistic. These unrealistic negative thoughts can make you feel anxious, sad and hopeless
For most of my life, I used to jump to conclusions and think the worst possible outcome. I was my biggest critic. My flaws were the only thing I saw. Everything my internal critic said was hurtful. Overtime, I learned to become an active observer and evaluator of my thoughts.
Once I started to pay attention to my internal critic, the voice inside my head started to change.
HOW? Cognitive Therapy
Cognitive Therapy is a therapeutic intervention that helps people learn how to identify destructive and disturbing thought patterns that have a negative influence on behaviors and emotions.
Examine the evidence. I used to be a firm believer of my negative thoughts. “I am not good enough,” and “I never do anything right,” were common thoughts I would believe in. Instead of assuming that these thoughts are true, I began to EXAMINE THE EVIDENCE. What are the things I do well? What are the things I am not good at? The evidence was that I am good enough but there may be people who could be better then me at certain things…. AND THAT IS OKAY! There are things I do well and things I am not good at. When you take away the negative and replace it with facts, you can see that not everything has to be black and white.
The Double-Standard Method. If your best friend came to you and told you all the things they hated about themselves, what would you say? When you look at your friends, you see their best qualities. Treat yourself like you would treat your best friend on their bad days. I guarantee most of the negative thoughts you believe in your head… your best friends wouldn’t agree with. I remember when I was in therapy, my therapist said to me, “Would you say this to your best friend? If not, then why do you say it yourself?” If my internal critic is my enemy rather than my best friend, I will never see my strengths.
Thinking in shades of Gray. This one is for all my perfectionist out there! No one is perfect. Trust me, I hate it too. Perfection is not possible. It is an unrealistic measure that makes us disappointed in ourselves. Instead of insisting you need to be perfect and that if you screw up you are a rotten person, acknowledge a failure. Forgive yourself and move forward with your life. You will never be perfect and when faced with failure, give yourself compassion. Avoid the all-or-nothing thinking. Compliment yourself on the things you did well and notice your mistakes. One failure does not determine your self-worth.
There are many different cognitive therapy techniques that can help you challenge negative thinking patterns. These are just a few that I find most helpful.
The best relationship you will ever have is with yourself. So on the hard days show yourself a little LOVE.
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